Day one into the new year, the store aisles flipped from overflowing, decadent Christmas EVERYTHING to sparse, tidy, organized New-Years-resolution stuff. Consumerism bounced on that theme for about one week before it landed back in decadence with the red and pink frills, flowers and chocolates of Valentines. We can’t not notice it’s coming. When we are in a fluid, flexible place we can chuckle at the holiday and spread some affection to our loved ones and carry on. Or maybe for you, it has historically been a meaningful holiday that represented your relationship goals of romance and excitement, and you have always gone all out.
So how then, do you move through a day that is ostensibly celebrating love and romance, when perhaps for you right now, romantic relationships represent pain more than romance? “Hard work”, more than being “swept away”? Hurt, confusion and fear, more than cozy affection. Loss, more than fulfillment. Maybe a mix of all these things. For many of our couples in the first few years after discovery, Valentine's Day feels very loaded.
There are a few things to think of while you move through this recovery season in your life.
First, foremost, and of course: You get to be where you are. Shoving on yourself to be “further along”, wherever further along is… has never worked long term. Slowing down enough to connect with ourselves and name how we feel about this day, this year, is the first place to start and being “a gentle observer” as Debbie Laaser likes to say.
Second, within our relationships we are working on building a container that can hold two things – meaning: rather than needing both people to be in the same place, or see things the same way, could we make space for one of us perhaps to feel hopeful, grateful and optimistic about the relationship and the other to feel grief, sadness and loss? Could there be room for each to talk about where they are? Could we move away from the urge to convince our partner to see and feel the same way as we do about the holiday? We are better able to see and honor each other where we are when we don’t need to be in the same place. This is the basis of intimacy.
Third, what if, like most things, it’s not so simple as either feeling hopeful OR discouraged about relationships in general or your relationship in particular - that it may be more of a both/and. (Yeah, you saw that coming, we are Faithful & True, after all…). Perhaps, if you are really honest, and slow down sufficiently to identify them all, you experience a whole range of seemingly disconnected emotions when you think about your relationship and your feelings about Valentines. That would make a lot of sense.
Finally, be proactive in thinking through what you might need on that day – identifying which parts of your needs you could take care of yourself and what you might be able to invite your partner to meet. Have a conversation before the day comes, planning perhaps different options depending on what comes up for you that day.
So, as Valentine's Day approaches, we are invited into this work of naming where we are, greeting that place – wherever it is – with compassion, not shoving on ourselves to be other than where we are and then allowing/accepting that our spouse might be in another place. Then we can proactively identify and discuss what we might need for the day so that we do not leave our partner guessing.
There are many different approaches couples take toward Valentine's Day in the immediate years following relational rupture. Some couples decide to just let it pass and not acknowledge it more than being a commercial holiday and help their kids get cards and candy for the classroom exchange. And that’s okay.
For others, Valentine's Day may remind them of what they want to hold on to and what they are working toward, and they may revel in all that is Valentines. And that’s okay. Some couples may be invited into their grief and may do something special just to two of them to honor some of the losses on their journey. And that’s okay. Some muddle through learning to hold the tension and wrestle with how to allow each of them to feel very differently on Valentine's Day. Some may only want to say the words to each other, “Hey, it’s Valentines… and we don’t know what to do with that yet”. And that’s okay.
*Be Broken Ministries is grateful to share this article with permission from the author, Rebecca Dekkers, MA, LMFT, and Faithful & True.